Santa Cruz Mayor Ryan Connerty has declared that the City of Santa Cruz won't be cooperating with the FBI in its investigation of the recent terrorist attack directed at UCSC scientists who may or not be doing animal research on mice and fruit flies.
In an emergency session of the City Council, Mayor Connerty signed proclamation #SCCC 99928303, adding terrorists to the list of criminals allowed sanctuary in the City of Santa Cruz.
He has directed the Santa Cruz Police Department not to cooperate with the FBI or any federal agency commissioned to investigate terrorism.
"It is my sacred duty to defend all terrorist acts within the boundaries of the City of Santa Cruz," Coonerty declared.
"My father says 'Keep Santa Cruz Weird.' I am keeping it weird, man, keeping it weird."
Ryan Coonerty is the son of Neil Coonerty, a member of the Board of Supervisors, who groomed his son for the job of mayor through cronyism, nepotism and corruption.
Santa Cruz is one of many US cities that have declared sanctuary for alien criminals also.
"Our policy is consistent. We give sanctuary to every criminal, regardless of the severity of their crimes. Hard-working, law-abiding American citizens have no place in Santa Cruz. Foreign criminals, domestic terrorists and drug-addicted transients are welcome."
Fellow Santa Cruz City Councilperson Antonio Madrigal-Rodriguez-Lopez de Virgin de Guadalupe agrees.
"Si mon, every mouse, every fruit fly, every bum and Mexican has a name and we respect the right to life of every pest."
Marxist professor and fellow City Councilperson Mike Rotkin was quick to weigh in.
"I am in full support of Mayor Coonerty's proclamation. Terrorism is nothing but civil disobedience against the evil Bush Administration, " adding that the city should fund any non-profit that is supportive of his political career, his Marxist ideology and acts of terrorism against his fellow professors and "the ruling class."
"Personally, I think we should be directing more of the city's funds away from fixing the roads to the hands of non-profit organizations that support terrorism."
Though UCSC is currently in Summer recess, students from Beverly Hills, Newport Beach and Marin County have decided to launch a protest in support of the terrorism.
Protest leader Joshua Ben-Shlomo, an 8th year student of Community Studies with a minor in Communist Revolution, believes that any professor who engages in research he doesn't like should not only be terrorized, but shot in front of a firing squad for counter-revolutionary activities.
"Yeah, man, any man, who, you know, doesn't like to fight against the man is not down, man, and he should be shot man, "he said, taking a long toke from his bong.
"We should like worship the fruit fly, you know, like once when I was having a psychedelic experience during Burning Man, God spoke to me from a burning bush, and he said, you know Josh, you should kill all the people and let the animals free. That was like an epiphany, you know, so I have dedicated my life to killing people and saving animals."
Ryan Coonerty will be at the protest to show his solidarity.
"Joshua is the type of person we want in Santa Cruz and the city's sanctuary was written specifically for him."
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